About 1 year ago, I learned of a type of weight loss surgery called Lap Band. After struggling with my weight, literally since I was 5 I felt relieved. Little did I know what I would have to go through to get the surgery-to deal with my health and my life.
It was all wrapped up in Goddess-because I dedicated myself to Her (Substitute your divine source here) and now I realize that maybe in my dedication I did not realize that Goddess’ first job for me would be to heal myself. To purge my life of negative people and to achieve career success. To finally deal with the baggage that I had literally and figuratively been dragging around with me my whole life.
So, in a nutshell, over the last year, I have been sicker than I have ever been, broke up with my best friend, not gotten insurance approval for my surgery, gained more weight, had the most difficult time in my marriage, lost the feeling of control over my life and wished for peace-not knowing if this could be achieved while alive-I wondered. I could never end things, my son loves me too much. But, the thought entered my mind more this year than any since I was 14-the worst year of my life.
This has also been the year when I ended a toxic relationship (best friend), saw my business do very well after that happened, committed to discovering my life path for myself-not what others want for me, found out that I have adrenal fatigue (found a great doctor), healed my marriage and made it stronger than ever, made new healthy adult friendships, discovered the wonder of some old friendships that I had neglected, have committed to having the surgery even if we must take a second mortgage on our house to pay for it.
I suppose this was the year that I hit rock bottom-that I saw that I must pick myself up by my bootstraps over and over again to achieve my dreams. I declared that my dream is NOT to obsess about food-if surgery will make that happen then it’s ok. It’s ok that my will power, soul clogging anger and guilt may not be totally healed or released-it’s ok for me to be a struggling human and still have my dreams come true.