Today I was thinking about relationships and how I used to think that sexuality was a black and white issue but now I don’t know. I used to think that couples should be having sex or else something is wrong. Lately I’ve been trying to let everyone just be where they are without judgement-not my stong suit. And my hubby and I haven’t been doing it regularly either. At first I really thought it was physical-hormonal. But now that my hormones are getting treatment (read post on adrenal fatigue) I see that I just don’t feel sexy.
Basically, if I’m in a good place, my hubby will follow but he will not lead. This is not really a criticism of him but merely an observation. I am just really willful and it’s hard to take me where I don’t really feel like going. I just don’t feel good about my stomach. It’s funny-I’ve been overweight since I was 6 and certainly have been since I was with my hubby. I weighed in the 225s when we first got married and now am up in the 350s. Big difference. Of all the fatty areas that bother me the most, it’s my stomach. Yuch. Between being so big and having had a baby it’s just not the stomach that I’m familiar with.
I can feel my tummy a lot when we’re doing it. And it gives me the creeps. I just judge myself so much. But now, I’m letting this judgement of me get in the way of intimacy and pleasure. Ugh. I think I feel like I need to suffer so that I’ll make hard changes. I just wish I could grok true change without suffering.
So, I will ponder pleasure and see if I can get out of my own way and have some.