Tag Archives: lapband

Look beyond your parts-to see your whole!

This month, at my lab band support group, there will be several different plastic surgeons coming to talk. I am not going. I understand that some people have tons of leftover skin after losing weight. I also feel like it just encourages the perfection conversation. Every fat person that I know, over analyzes their faults-at least the small ones.

I sawa woman who had lost 100 lbs recently. She is still overweight. She feels as if she’s done nothing and the first thing that she did was jiggle her underarms. “I hate these!” she declared with disgust.

I told her that most people, at least the kind of people who we care about, don’t just look right at our underarms the moment they see us. They also don’t look right at our thighs or go on a cellulite search. They just look at US!

I know women of all sizes who focus on some partcular body part that they hate and that is the first thing they see in the mirror.

The journey of Goddessness is to learn to love ourselves as whole creatures. To understand that no one is perfect and that no matter what we look like we deserve to feel like a Goddess. I do this some days better than others. Overall-I feel good about myself and grateful and when I don’t – I too must remember my own words.

When people see you they just see you-they do not zoom in on the body parts (well maybe breasts or legs but usually that’s because they like them!).

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Goddessness Update

I just wanted to update everyone. I’ve been busy. I am beginning work on the book, Goddessness which is all about how to feel like a Goddess in the modern world. It’s really important to me that I write it while I’m still fat/obese/curvy because I don’t want it to look like I just lost weight and then felt like a Goddess. I am feeling better in lots of ways but still feel sexy and successful at 300+. Feeling like a Goddess is not a body size and I feel that if I write the book after I’m a small size that message will be less powerful.

We’ve also adopted two kittens into our home, so now we have 5. 2 lucky males and 3 Goddessy females. One of the things that I love about the cats is how they just have an innate sense that they are worthy of worship. They are warm, affectionate and very independent. I will post pix shortly.

Also, in a more mundane sense, I am adapting to the summer life. My 6 year old son didn’t like his summer camp so we’ve adapted to a three day a week work week for me, with him at his grandpa’s and a local babysitter for those days and me off two days a week. I still end up working most weekends but love the extra time with him and at the pool. I am a water Goddess I guess.

I would love to hear your comments about the book, about how you feel like a Goddess, what your challenges are and if you have any suggestions for the “subtitle”. Goddessness: ???

Goddess love to all!

-Celeste

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Tonight I Lost It

Tonight I lost it. I screamed, I cried. I hit the wall, I threw food. I exploded with anger. Let me begin at the beginning.

I decided to make my son’s birthday cake. I wanted to save money plus I wanted the glory. I am a very good baker and frankly, I like the praise I get when people taste my work.

I made the first layer. It was chocolate. I had even bought a new pan to bake it in. I have these cooling racks that you can either put right on the counter or they stack on top of each other with these little feet that collapse. I had the rack up on it’s feet and as I was putting the cake on it, one side collapsed and I grabbed the cake with my oven mitt covered hand to keep it from sliding onto the floor and burning me. I did save the cake but I left a big dent in it.

My son (now 6) said that it looked like a good cake and I should go ahead and use it in the final cake, dent and all. Several friends told me that I should use it and just fill the hole in with icing. I decided to wait.

Then I baked the second layer-yellow. It was perfect in every way. Gorgeous, perfectly cooked, and wonderfully shaped. I loved it. I decided that such a perfect second layer deserved a perfect first layer and I sent hubby to the store to get another box of cake mix. By this time my son has gone to bed and I was exhausted. I just wanted this whole cake thing to be over so that I could go to bed. So after he finally gets home with the new cake mix, I dragged myself into the kitchen and re-made the layer. All went well-it was in the oven and I made the icing. Butter and sugar-how can you go wrong?

I should mention that by this time I was so tempted by the wrecked first layer that I wondered if part of my decision to trash it was so I could eat it. As soon as I saw the dent, I just wanted to eat it all up.

So layer number three came out and is near perfect. I put it in the freezer to cool faster. Meanwhile I iced the yellow layer and waited. Finally the choco layer is cool so I put it on the top and iced the whole thing.

As I was icing it, I noticed that it the top was slipping and falling off the bottom. I tried rotating it to see if that would help. Now it was cracking a little. I hoped that if I put it in the freezer it would be ok. After about 30 minutes I checked on it and it was broken into three pieces and each one was sliding off the cake. I kept trying to push it back to together. Nothing worked. I put a knife in and tried connecting the two layers with it. I thought if only they could stay together for a while in the freezer then somehow it would be ok. The knife just ripped the cake more. I kept trying to hold the cake together. I got hubby and told him that I was about to lose it.

Then I did. I screamed, I shouted, I threw the cake into the sink. I got cake all over the place. My life is the cake. No matter how perfect I try to make it, no matter how much I try to push the sliding, cracking pieces together to fix them, they just get worse. They just fall apart.

I don’t know how to be this new me-this me that just can’t handle that much. That cries all the time and gets really pissed. That spends her son’s birthday mourning and feeling sad. I don’t know how to be her. She scares me. I don’t chat with my friends so much, I just can’t handle their problems. I don’t want to know what’s bothering them because I can barely handle my own life right now. The woman who I was, before surgery, could do all that but was eating herself into an early grave. This is so hard. Why is it so hard to be human?

I feel like I spend so much of my life trying to hold the cake together so it won’t fall apart but it does anyway and I’ve just wasted all this time that I could have spend doing something that I actually wanted to do. Is there any part of me in my life or is it all just making cake for others and then trying desperately to hold it together as it falls apart?

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Biology Will Always Win-No More Talk Of Low Willpower-Just Power

My struggle with eating health food has always been my appetite, so when my band is adjusted well and I am not overly  hungry-I eat very well-low wheat/high protein the whole healthy deleo but when I am hungry all the time I just can’t stick to that. It has been my life long battle/journey.

One of the theories that I’ve read about is that some of us have a genetic pre-disposition to overeat during times of abundance and then we are all set for times of scarcity. During the “old days” this was the cycle of life. Now that we are in a constant state of abundance, our brains and biology just don’t know how to adapt. Add in the constant availability of food that is not nutritionally rich and sound and you get a recipe for the obesity epidemic that we are facing. For people who are obese, which means they have a BMI of 35 or more, there is a 90% failure rate with an weight loss program, even if successful-it will all be gained back because we are constantly fighting our biology and usually biology wins. With the lap band the opposite is the case. There is a 90% (or something like that) success rate-because of the ability to stimulate the full hormones and nerve endings in our stomachs without overeating we actually are successful. There was even a study in Australia on overweight people with diabetes. With lap band surgery their condition was not managed but actually cured whereas with diet and exercise it was just managed.

Everyone is different and needs to find the solution that works for them. Also the solutions that work for people who are overweight versus obese are different (they are actually medical terms). I am at the beginning of my lap band journey but am looking so forward to continuing-I have hope and a real sense that I can be successful without suffering constantly-I am very excited.  So yes, I must eat healthy and exercise-the surgery is a tool to help me eat less and that is all-the rest is up to me. But it is such a great tool! I have been walking and doing the elliptical at the gym. I worked out 20 days in Feb. In a few weeks or month I will begin a weight lifting regime as well to assure that I lose fat and not muscle.

I believe that lap band surgery is a great medical solution to living in an unnatural world.

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Thank You Lap Band

I have hit the 6 week mark with the lap band. I am down 22lbs. I am really looking forward to getting my first adjustment so that I will be eating less and losing more.

Hubby said last week that when I was full faster I did not feel upset at the lack of food but free as if removed from prison.

Thank you lap band for freeing me from the prison of my apetite.

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I am really changing and I am not going to let minor complaints stop me from living the life that I want

Yesterday I think I cleared a hurdle. My calves had been really hurting-I did not know why-and I was whining endlessley about it to my friend, Lisa, who suggested that I might have a blood clot. Or two. I didn’t sleep much on Sat night fearing the end was nigh so first think Sunday morning, Hubby took me to the ER to get checked out. He never believed that I had them but also knew that I wouldn’t stop worrying about it until I was sure.

So towards the end of the 5 hour jaunt in the ER, I told him that I hated this surgery because I was hungry all the time and in pain. He replied that I had been hungry all the time and in pain before the surgery-additionally I was guilty for eating too much. A light bulb went off in my mind-I am really changing and I am not going to let minor complaints stop me from living the life that I want.

After finally arriving home, I went out for a walk. Despite the pain and the hunger and the cold. It was a short walk but still an important one. Today I will go further. My 5 yr old commented that I look smaller. YEAH!

My friend who had lap band in July warned me that I would hate her for a while-during the hungry phase and so I did. But maybe I’m through the worst of it. Maybe not. Either way, I will survive this difficult period-reduce my dependence on food and eating and finally when I do get to have my 3 tiny meals a day, maybe I will be in heaven. Maybe I will just be fed and leave the bliss of heaven to pursuits not involving food.

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